On Saturday we had to tell Zoe that her tumor was growing and she would need to have chemotherapy again. Sean and I talked about what/how we wanted to tell Zoe... we thought we were prepared for the conversation, but our hearts weren't prepared for Zoe's response.
Zoe was so shocked and scared... she buried her head in my lap for a minute and then looked up at me with her beautifully trusting golden-brown eyes, with silent tears streaming down her face. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and sobbed... and my heart broke that I couldn't trade places with her and I couldn't take the pain of her reality away.
There were some tears throughout the day (along with some wrestling matches and laughter) but then Zoe broke down again at night and said, "Am I going to die, or am I just going to be sick?" Again, my heart broke... Her sweet 7-year-old mind must have been thinking of and worrying about that all day... In the past two years, we have had four close family friends go through chemotherapy... we prayed for them daily... Zoe saw three of the four very regularly... and three of the four died this past year. So, I realized that when we talked about chemotherapy, her understanding of chemotherapy is what she knows of our friends experiences. I don't think Zoe remembers most of the particulars of her first chemo experience, but she clearly remembers what our friends went through.
Although Saturday was a really difficult day for everyone, it was interesting to see how quickly Zoe accepted reality. It was kind of like she woke up the next morning and realized that we have to go that route again, whether she wants to or not. But she has made it clear that she is expecting some stuffed animals out of it -- hahaha!!
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